Depression in Spring 2015: Feeling the Rage

prison FBDepression is a sneaky business. During the spring of 2015, just when I thought I was out of the “woods” after several months of limited medication following my first treatment with TMS the previous year, I was blindsided by a bad patch of rage and thoughts of suicide.  Actually, I found myself obsessing about committing suicide.  No longer did I question whether or not I could end my life. I simply planned to drive to a remote spot in the country, park the car, and slit my wrists. My pug was cared for by friends and my furniture was in storage after the sale of my home as I stayed at a friend’s home waiting for an apartment to become vacant. I reasoned that my furniture could rot in storage and someone would adopt my dog.  Everything was in place.

You see, even though I knew that the chemistry in my brain was out of whack, I couldn’t find my way out of the cloud of despair that had descended upon me, seemingly out of the blue.  This time was different than any of my past experiences with serious bouts of depression.  Because this time it crept up on me in the form of rage. Not anger, but rage. Nothing seemed to satisfy me, whether it was a conversation on the phone with a credit card company, a sales transaction in a store, or an exchange with a stranger. And I spent as little time as possible talking to friends. Driving brought out the very worst in me.  As far as I was concerned, everyone I encountered was stupid or uninformed.

The rage was new to me.  Although irritability is a hallmark of depression, I had never experienced such a lack of common courtesy toward anyone around me.  And I didn’t seem to be able to hold my tongue.

My refuge came in the form of another round of treatments with TMS.  I called my doctor who saw me quickly and scheduled the treatments to begin again.  This time it took longer for me to feel the effects, but I did begin to get relief in time.

I now know that I need to resume some of my medications as well as begin a maintenance plan in which I have monthly TMS treatments.  And be assured, the TMS treatments are my anchor to windward. Now we have a proven method to change how our brains work in addition to the hit-or-miss selections of medications currently available.